This tear i'm shedding

I Hate it when I miss people/things that aren't even gone yet

Well, i'll call this my homework.

It's been a great day so far. Me and Amy went to the zoo and had a little picnic... and I remembered how much i LOVE hummus. Later in the day I ended up riding my bike to school and then me and Amy rode back to eastown, stopping for ice cream on the way. It was beautiful out.

Currently I'm at work, distracting myself from the piles of homework at hand. As I feel like most people do in their spare time, I end up looking at people's facebook pictures. Tonight in particular, i've been browsing through pictures of various people's travels. I'm overwhelmed, as I often am, by the desire to see the world. I want to see new places, experience foreign cultures, and take the motto "live life to the fullest" to heart.

I don't want to be a capitalist. I don't want to worry about money. The problem is that I grew up in a capitalist culture, in a capitalist home, where every decision was about money. Part of me really wants to take an interim/semester abroad, but since i'm already looking at +80 thousand dollars in loans to pay off after College, the thought of taking another 4-k out for a months worth of time seems irresponsible. I hate that I worry about it so much. I know I shouldn't, but I also know that the 80 thousand in debt won't just go away, especially if i have a lower paying job as a social worker. So at this point I'm not sure what to do. I'm planning on traveling after college, no doubt about it. However, I think that i'll feel like I missed out on something in college if I don't get to travel during the most opportune time. Anyways, I suppose that's what i'm thinking...

Why my Eyes are Blue

In Memoriam, Childhood of Matthew Randall Ackerman

He was oft lonely.

Treading upon dusty stones.

stones which eagerly encompassed soles

His heart became heavy and apathetic

agony became a close-quartered companion

His eyes turned blue from the baggage they carried

milky orbs submersed in torrential tears

The afterthought of tranquility left him drowning in wonderment

Condescending smiles. Leprosy of the mouth

slowly but surely, they were the cleavers quick at his heartstrings

Innocence torn asunder. Isolation pronounced familiar. He was not left unscathed.

Quiet. Idle words avoided. Peace.

Today,

I feel like dropping all work, all responsibility, and going to a nice sit down restaurant and talking with a good friend over food for hours on end.

What is life?

I am torn

I can't decide if life has meaning or not

It appears that. . .

School, money, how much I worked, etc. won't get me anywhere when I die

I am also quite certain that all people die

If I am going to die, and I don't know when, what should I do with my life?

Q: If I die tomorrow, will it matter that I didn't turn in my art project today?

. . . But of course, what is the point of seeing life as pointless?

I think i'm approaching it the wrong way.

Sure, I'll die. could be in 84 years, could be in 3 minutes

But I might as well live my life, the one life I have, in a way that shows that I appreciate what God did for me, and try to help and affirm those around me. . . not for my own glory.

hmm. I've answered my own question

Thanks

I missed you again today.

For a brief second I wanted it all back.

Three years ago I set you free.

...I'm glad that you're gone